"The mind is a terrible thing to lose."
-- Dan Quayle

I'd like to take this opportunity to inform fellow subscribers to the Primal Therapy and Other Feeling Therapies Newsletter of the direction revitalized Primal Therapy has been taking at our center. I have successfully combined a number of therapeutic deep feeling modalities and have come up with such variants as Astrological PT and Lunar Effect PT, but we are especially happy with our latest innovation, Recapitulative Former Lives Therapy.

RFLT goes far beyond the usual regressive former lives therapy since in this therapy, the client relives the successive traumas which occured in the evolution of not only his immediate mammalian ancestors but of all his animal forebears. One client when feeling his reptilianness, by re-experiencing his life as a salamander, exhibited swishing, snake-like movements.

During the re-living, his features took on the actual appearance of a huge 180 pound salamander. His skin became cool and scaly as his temperature dropped from a neurotic normal 98.2 degrees to a reptilian normal of 93 degrees.

Most of our clients have experienced not only their past lives but also the future of their present lives, including divorces by present-day loving spouses and future fatal accidents and illnesses. Unfortunately, none of those who have successfully gone back to the future experienced relief from their psychiatric symptoms. Inexplicably, 97.8% of our Recapitulative Future Lives Therapy clients have become clinically depressed.

The data is being re-checked to see what went wrong. It would be less than fair to only write about our successes, but what follows is another success. Those of you who are interested in eastern mysticism might like to know that Bhagawan Shree Rajneesh has been a client at our facility. As a result of RFLT, his narcissism has diminished to a marked degree and he is no longer as boastful as heretofore. He still believes he is India's greatest living guru, but he proclaims it less stridently.

One client relived her birth, his implantation (her sex changed in the fallopian tube!), zygote cell division, fertilization, implantation, his life as an unfertilized ovum and maturation as a sperm, back to his being a gleam in his father's eye! Sometimes I think she was putting me on.

But since the proof of the pudding is in the eating, I am happy to say that her life has subsequently turned around completely. She is no longer bi-sexual, has become a transsexual, and after sex-change surgery, married and is presently living happily in Toledo, Ohio, which in itself is no small achievement.

For those of you who wish to attend any of our seminars and who are also into auto-telekinesis, our geographical location is at longitude 92o 14' 05.48'' and latitude 30o 33' 14.22''. Feel free to beam in anytime. We are firm believers in pyramid power and have combined pyramid power with crystal power which has resulted in more powerful synergistic psychic forces being released than would be possible from either alone.

We feel that we have gone far beyond touchy-feely type deep-feeling therapies and that we are presently at the forefront of research in truly revolutionary psychotherapy. However, the principle of primal therapy remains sacrosanct since our motto remains, "No Pain, No Gain.'' We feel so adamant that Pain is necessary for therapy that occasionally torture is used to elicit the, oh, so necessary, primal screams.

That is one reason why, in the future, attempts will be made to combine Satanism with primal. We have found that blood curdling screams are necessary for complete CURE and have found that without physical torture there can be no progress towards self-actualization.

Some of the directions in which research is proceeding at the center, includes the combination of primal with biorhythmetric analysis. Experiments are also being planned with channeling reflexology primal therapy and demon exorcism primal therapy coupled with proselytizing militant atheism, the latter which we will use as an antidote against the spiritual feelings which sometimes arise during regular primal therapy.

As in the past, the scientific results of these experiments will be made available to fellow psychotherapists through the leading professional psychological and psychiatric journals.

The waiting list of clients from 38 different countries for our 37 therapists is very long, and sometimes we feel that we carry all of the world's burdens on our shoulders. Even though we have gone far beyond formal primal therapy, acknowledgment is always made for the contributions of our predecessors especially, Dr. Ruhtra Vonaj, who was a pioneering innovator and who first made the most difficult and important explorations in the etiology of neurosis and in the treatment of crazy people.

But I can still remember the golden words of a fellow classmate of mine, Fred Nietzsche, who once declared that ''. . . you are ungrateful to your teacher if you are not able to go beyond him.''